"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." --John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Since John Green's novel was published in 2012, I have seen this quote plastered across social media platforms. It is a romantic statement; I can find both truth and falsehood in it. For me, falling in love happened with a quickness that was startling, yet comforting. However, I would absolutely attribute the "slowly, and then all at once" feeling to the discovery of my autoimmune disease.
I'm not sure if I actively tried to ignore my symptoms, making excuses and attributing other causes, or if the issues were so subtle I just couldn't piece it together until everything became too much. It was a slow, painful build.
Looking back, there were warnings. The same set of stairs I climbed everyday should've become easier to climb, but instead I took them slower each day, telling my mom how sore my legs became without any true exertion. I used to run half marathons. I used to squat and deadlift 135 lbs. Now, I could barely perform any cardio for longer than 15 minutes without feeling exhausted; my lifts became lighter and weaker. I attributed my poor gym performance to the amount of physical activity involved in my job. I was often walking campus, especially the stairs in the building housing my office. I was just working more than I was used to. It would get better when I got used to it.
I started gaining weight-- a significant amount of weight. Clothes that were once loose were no longer fitting me. I blamed this on my lack of effort in the gym.
Then my sleeping pattern changed. The Kelsey who had lived for 24 years and thought she knew herself pretty well always woke up at the first sound of an alarm, often earlier than that. Waking up had never been difficult. Awake was wide awake and out of bed quickly. My mom can attest that I am a grouchy morning person, but I am a morning person, ready to be active and take on the day. Slowly, I realized I was sleeping in every morning, turning off my alarm and going back to sleep until it was almost time to leave for work. At first, I blamed my new work hours. Sometimes I was up late with events! But eventually I realized whether I went to bed at 9 pm or 1 am, I slept until 7:30 am. While this might sound like heaven for some people, I suddenly understood how uncharacteristic of me it was. I also came to notice that despite the amount of sleep I got, I was tired throughout the day. never a napper, I felt the need to snooze during the day. When I should've been focused on work, I was lost in a brain fog, imagining how comfy my bed would feel.
Finally, everything had to come crashing down for me to realize I had been less than myself the past couple of months. My parents came to visit me and before they left, I will admit we had a discussion about an emotional subject, and I started to cry a little, but then they left and I kept crying. and kept crying. This went on for about 24 hours. I had to go into work late. I cried at work. I felt mentally, emotionally, and physical exhausted. I explained to my dad what was happening and he encouraged me to go to the doctor. He suggested it was my thyroid. After some run around with the doctor's office, I made an appointment the next day.
